insane

i've decided to stop posting here already .

bye .

when i thought everything was turning for the better , it became worst.

homes a huge mess , it's a disaster . i feel like fleeing from this misery . it's just chaotic . everything coming all at once .

i miss granddad ):

it's just terrible , everything is coming to me at this very point of time . and they're nothing good . the whole of yesterday and the day before which was one of the worst . i can't describe how it all is .

today , is even more disastrous . sighs.

this feeling is tremendously hard to take . i'd never be able to forgive myself if today was the last day for him without me being there to see him off for one last time . i should've known better , i shouldn't stupidly be indulging in my sleep all along . i should've forseen that this was going to come , yes , i should've got myself prepared earlier . plainly just hanging the words at my mouth was way too easy , much easier then how  i expected myself to be able to cope with this problem . i thought i could , i really thought i was able to let it pass easily . but never did i realise i would take this so hard . it's affecting everything of me . even if it passes today , i doubt i'll have ample time to get ready for the next tragedy coming up .

i can never explain how i really feel inside , it's just bottling up in me . i can't put it in words. or maybe i just think that saying it would seem too stupid to be true . so i'd rather just keep it to myself . but no , i can't let this affect me now . but how can i possibly think positive at this current point of time where everything just seems to be going down and never on the bright side anymore. maybe i'm just being overly selfish , maybe it's better if he passed on right now so as to stop the massive pain he's currently going through . but i'd never be able to understand that . enlighten me , what can i do .

the exams are just tomorrow , my entire four days would be neatly spent up with loads of work to do . but i can't focus on that now .i can't handle stress afterall , i really thought i could balance it out . i'm trying , really hard to get it done . please.

i believe things doesn't appear as easy as it seems on the surface . i'm torn apart by this peircing stress going through me . you'll never believe how hard it all actually is just looking from the outside. it's pretty much just faking a front .

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work ... I want to achieve it through not dying.

1) chemistry is a whole chunk of words and equations i do not understand .
2) principles is another work of the devil with insufficient help given at all .
3) mathematics is killing me when the questions can't seem to have an answer .
4) social studies is needing so much new formats to figure.
5) history is so much of a huge farm of words there's a need to memorize.
6) literature is another time consuming subject with the need to finish the book.
7) chinese , i can spare no extra time for these .
8) biology is requiring so much effort to know the parts individually .

how can these agony not fail to stretch the string to the fullest ? it's brain wrecking and consuming so much of my time . i'll never allow myself to recgonize another failure . maybe it's just the huge pressure i've been pressing down on myself lately . but i can never subdue to knowing things wouldn't be well without doing anything to aid . which i guess explains why these are all happening . i'll never be in time ): i need time of my own . if only all these could just spare me from the relentless naked truth .

been really really busy with the schedules lately . the exams are in less than two weeks , it's all coming in an instance . not even a month long after then holidays ended and we're up for the next topics , covering the things to learn for the mid-year exams . all the teachers are rushing through every topic when we're only having , for some periods , three periods a week with so much to learn and memorize , it's a major hassle caused for me . cause there's just so much to comprehend in such a short span of time . with so much to learn , furthermore , they're not just simply addition or subtraction methods .

just got involved with this national accounting quiz competition recently , i believe it's all going to be tough and having to start it from the start all over again . the principles teachers are a huge mess . they keep changing , and they can't exactly coach that well . there're assignments to be done and given out by them when only the basics are learnt , when nothing is even known about it . when it's expected to be completely done and which , to be due tomorrow .

to know and finally realize that the examinations are coming so soon really got me down and panic stricken . i've everything slipped out of my mind at this point of time when the holidays haven't been gone for that long . and now , something important is coming up again . why can't they just do away with it ~ i need a hundred percent concentration on every single topic to be known and know them from deep within . which then i believe is the key to do well . however , those are just words which i doubt i could conquer .

believe the world cup fever had just swelled up and degenerated over the weekends , deprived myself from them anyway . they were never my cup of tea . anyway , it's ridiculous when you watch a group of men chasing after the ball trying to get it in the net . i'd rather watch tom chase jerry ! doesn't beat why it comes only once in four years . just thinking of how boring it would get turns me off .

perhaps it wasn't eventful for me today , much more boredom incurring . school was like how school had always been . a frisbee game with friends after that accompanied by a great lunch at the primary school . surprising how primary school kids get all their nutrients while we don't . i thought growing teenagers needed more proteins and nicer food during the stage of growing . but NO ! they gave all the nice food hawkers to the small kids >(

anyway , i shall presume that i would really START STUDYING as from today before i start flunking any of my papers . which is the last i would want to do . yesyes , find myself the determination and perserverance to actually get it done . which i highly think would hardly occur to me at any one point of time .